Remembering New York.

When September 11th became a day we'd never forget, I had yet to be to New York. I could tell you exactly what I was doing the moment we heard the news of tragedy hitting that city years ago. And I'm sure you could too. Just as generations before can tell us exactly where they were the minute they heard that Kennedy was shot. Or the day Pearl Habor was struck. How much tragedy there is in this nation's history, yet how much strength and community we have when the events we wish never occurred happen. 

This past January, we went to New York City. My very first time in the Big Apple. And, boy, how I loved the fast paced culture, the late night meals, and the tight knit streets that create a graph paper like grid on the maps we learned to walk everywhere with. New York City, and that trip, is one I will never forget. And so, today, as we remember what the words "nine eleven" elect in our senses and deep down in our hearts, I want to close my eyes and never forget this place, the community I experienced, and the strength of our nation. 

We spent time at the 9/11 Memorial when we were there. It's unreal to stand where the Twin Towers used to be, even my first time in New York, so I can't even imagine what it is like for someone who knew this place inside and out before the towers were hit. To lose such a big part of a city, to lose so many people who made this community what it was, and is - I cannot fully fathom. The owner of the hotel we stayed at told us how he remembers standing on the roof and watching that very day. I'd imagine people all over the city were doing this, if they weren't right in the tragedy themselves. Tears streaming down their faces, hearts in their stomachs, watching from rooftops and windows. 

The people that were lost at this very spot, although I don't know the faces behind the names and the moments that made up each and every one of their lives, were so loved. They are remembered beautifully at the 9/11 Memorial - if you ever are in New York, the Memorial is so worth making time for. Today I am thinking of those who lost someone that day, and praying for the families and the city. 

(more from our New York trip back in January here: Coney Island, Brooklyn to Manhattan, Williamsburg Flea, Grand Central Station, House of Small Wonder, Ace Hotel)

WEAR | Olive Plaid Baseball Hat

Oh hats. I have become that girl that wears one all the time. Running errands, out to dinner, at work. Mixing a high-low look, such as a pencil skirt with a hat, or just your basic sweater, cap, and denim - I'm all about it. And with autumn arriving, I was a little sad to say goodbye to my favorite summer hats. But then I found the ashton plaid baseball cap at Free People. Hello perfect hat for fall.

See? It's a pretty great hat. It also comes in brown. 

(I'm now a happy capper…

get it?… like happy camper)

WEAR | Long and Cropped, & Why I'm Doing Style Posts

Booties | Anthropologie (last year)    Sweater | Anthropologie     

Maxi Dress | Anthropologie ( similar here & here )

I started up these style posts again knowing full well I had no time to scout out pretty building fronts and locations as my style backdrops. Style posts went silent for months, until yesterday, because I just couldn't wing them. It was too much time and planning. What held me back was the production of it all. You know, making a trip to River North to stand in front of a bright warehouse door in an outfit that I do wear, yes, but that I planned out to a T for the shoot; making Matt go with me, and finding somewhere to be photographed that wasn't surrounded by people. I so admire fashion bloggers, who walk the streets of places like Nashville and New York turning heads while being trailed by their photographer. But for me, that's just not my thing - you know? 

Maybe I'm more of an introvert style blogger. I love pretty things and I love making myself feel like a piece of art, and expressing myself through clothing. I have no problem doing that in real time, in person, face to face. However, blogging it is different. And it never felt completely natural for me to go and do full on photo shoots for blog posts. I still am a bit modest and don't like to be showy (which can be a real fine line with blogging at times), so at first style posts felt truly uncomfortable. I mean, I sell clothes daily at my job, and put together head to toe looks for myself and others hundreds of times - but to blog about it became too much for me. I think the novelty wore off a bit, and it started to feel unnatural to make Matt fill in as photographer while I posed in front of buildings. Not to be confused with a lack of confidence. I always felt great in what I was wearing and my inner and outer beauty, but I just didn't want to spend my time trudging Matt to take my photo. It's somewhat hard to explain, but I bet some of you can follow my sentiments. Truly, for our marriage, our time together is spent more organically on bike rides, working on our house, adventuring, and being with friends - not on style posts. SO, I stopped asking him to take my photo for style posts, set them on the back burner entirely, yet continued getting dressed every day with WEAR posts completely out of sight and mind.

Now here I sit. Adding words to a style post after saying that I don't do style posts. Well, this week things shifted. My dear friend Anne, who has such great style, started talking about maybe chronicling her personal looks on her blog - my response was a resounding YES! I really want her to do it. But Anne is a busy lady. I mean, she blogs full time, is a student and wife full time, and is somehow always in Boulder doing a million things. I don't know how she does it. And I want her to blog her style. So to support Anne and show her that style posts can be done in the moment and with ease, I decided it was time for me to do them again - but this time differently. When I decided to pick up sharing my own style on here again, I chose to do it the most realistic way I could - in the moment, in what I literally step out the door and go to work in, and what I might have truly just figured out five minutes prior while juggling feeding the dog, making coffee, and making sure my teeth are brushed. I decided my wear posts are going to be completely, one hundred percent, real. Like, if you bump into me later that day, I will be wearing that outfit. And I might have taken all the photos myself. (With my phone. In my house. With Shelby photo bombing.) Because for me, this is the most natural and genuine way I can share who I am in what I am wearing. It just feels the most honest and true.

So I hope you stick with my not so perfect style posts.  I hope you feel inspired. I really find so much joy in putting together a head to toe look for both myself and other women, to help them feel confident and radiate the beauty inside, and I hope that you can see that here in this little blog space of mine.

Happy weekend, beauties.

p.s. Go tell Anne she should blog her stylish self.

WEAR | Candied Ginger, Braids, & the Slouchy Sweater

Theca Cardigan | Anthropologie    Polkadot Blouse | Anthropologie (old)    

Wooden Bib Necklace | DIY    Pilcro Hyphen Chinos (in candied ginger) | Anthropologie (on sale!)    

Braided Locks | Darling Magazine DIY

The reality of my look is that my alarm clock went off at 4:30 a.m., yet I continued to sleep through it until waking up when I usually am out the door. So in day old braids and an outfit that I thankfully laid out the night before (because who can honestly pick clothing out of a pitch black closet without waking up their husband who sleeps one foot away from the closet door?), I hurried to work, and now nine hours later I sit in my backyard, hold the camera out for some down to earth in the moment style. You can use your imagination a little with this head to toe look, because without a tripod, photographer, or a crafty set up, taking a photograph with my entire body in the frame all by myself? Yeah, I wasn't that clever.  Selfie's are hard. And I'm sure my neighbors were watching through our connected backyards scratching their heads. But I can tell you this sweater made by Moth is pretty much the best investment I've made in my summer to fall wardrobe. Hear that, neighbors? I love this sweater. Its perfect with pants, pencil skirts, AND dresses. Actually, Moth has some of my favorites right now. Like this cropped knit pullover with buttons down the back (which I literally did wear four days in a row right after I bought it…) So versatile. Cost per wear, cost per wear! ;)

(The items in my look are below, minus the top and the shoes which aren't available any longer - I added two tops and flats that would still make the same vibe.):

Fall Swimsuit Sales!

Can I tell you a secret? I own too many swim suits. Growing up in California, swim wear is the summer uniform. But now, since pools and beaches are hard to come by in Colorado, I can't justify spending a lot on a leisure suit that I'm only going to wear a few times a year (and for waterfront vacations and hot tubbing). Also, floating down a river or going to the springs can eat away at swimwear, so so affordable is important. I've started only allowing myself sale swimsuit purchases over the last few years. And literally fall has been discovered as THE BEST season for swim sales (the selection is still there but with really great prices!) I'm a fall swimsuit shopper who ends up getting bottoms and tops for dirt cheap. Like this mix and match top from Anthropologie I snatched up for $10 which I will be living in when I visit California in a few months. And bottoms from Target found while picking up olive oil and coffee.

The key is being open to mixing and matching. You might pair bottoms from Old Navy with a top from J.Crew. Just stick with a color palette and patterns that work well together! My go to is teal, poppy, black, navy, and tan and I love adding in a few fun prints. Fall swimsuit shopping really is the best bang for your buck, the sales are pretty wild and it really is so great come next summer when your swimsuit collection is ready to go.  I've rounded up a few of my favorites from J.Crew, Anthropologie, and Target just for you above, in case you want to think ahead and get some good ones for next year. (Another tip is to just rummage through Target's clearance racks or ask the gals and Anthropologie if they have any swimsuits in the back…that is how I've had my best luck, as well as online shopping because you can always return it in store if t's not quite right!)

*With the expectation of full disclosure and honest & true blogging, the links in this post are affiliate links; meaning, should you purchase one of these items I get a kick back of the cost. This is not a sponsored post, however purely items that I love and believe that my readers would too, reflecting my true style and the aesthetic of this blog. Thank you for supporting the brands I choose to share about and that keep this blog going. 

Leather Sofa

leather couch | American Furniture Warehouse    curtains | Target    

teal side table | thrifted    white pottery | ikea    stitched pillows | Pottery Barn    

monogram plate | Anthropologie    striped cushion cover | ikea    

tufted chair | American Furniture Warehouse    white dresser | second hand 

wall paint color | Sherwin Williams Agreeable Grey

We had been eyeing a navy couch at American Furtniture Warehouse for months. Labor day was finally here, and the sale validated us taking the plunge to purchase a sofa. But then, right when we walked in that Warehouse's doors - bam! We saw this couch. The lines, the color, the nod to vintage. All thoughts of the navy couch vanished. We needed a bit of an anchor in this room, especially one that was masculine and classic. We have visions of this room eventually being more of a library feel, with floor to ceiling bookcases on the far wall, maps and botanical prints framed in a gallery collection, and a hint of mid-century modern meets Wes Anderson meets crisp white simplicity. It is hard to describe just yet (and I know that decryption really does contradict itself) but I tell you, the vision is there -- I can see it. In the meantime, this couch is doing a wonderful job pulling things together. The walls are bare (yet painted!), fixtures still need to be changed out (that chandelier, yikes!), yet I don't care if that takes a year because we have a place to lounger when the morning and afternoon light are just right, and the sun creates dancing sparkles in the air, making you never want to leave. We have a place to sit with friends, Pale Ale's in hand, after a rousing game of Settlers of Catan and a belly filling supper. Plus, this couch feels like autumn to me. I'll choose a leather couch over pumpkin spice lattes to help transition our little home from summer to fall, any day.

Let's leave it in the prairie.

I was reading a chapter in Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist during my lunch break on Thursday, when I read her thoughts on forgiveness and forgetting. I'm not going to quote it here, because really you should go buy her book (like really, get in your car and drive to Barnes and Noble, okay?). But the jist of what I read was that her husband and her continued to bring up the past, even though in those moments they had forgiven, they just couldn't let it go and forget. The past and the hurt, from an array of different moments in their relationship, lingered. (And I know we've all been there). So one day, when they were on a day trip, they decided to leave all that they held onto and all they couldn't forget in that town they were visiting. They let it go, never to be hashed again. They dropped the past, in that town, and did it as a way to move on and not let it continue to linger.

The thing that happened while reading what Shauna wrote about forgiving yet having the hardest time forgetting, was my heart's continual beating "me too, me too." There is this deep sadness that comes up every now again in my soul, and I can't help but relate it to this difficulty I have forgetting hurt. Not the little things, but the monumental things that have taken me years to process. I have a really hard time talking about it, let alone writing about it, and I always wonder why that is. Am I afraid that no one will understand? Am I worried that my lingering hurt and inability to "let go" will make it seem as though I haven't been able to forgive? Am I afraid that this sadness that comes up every now and again, if I show it as true as it is to the people who are closest to me, that it will make me out as too sensitive and push those people away? Yes. On all fronts.

But I think its time I stop letting fear and worry get in the way. I think it's time I write about it.

When I was about 12 years old my dad remarried. I had a stepmom, a stepbrother, and a stepsister all the way from those preteen years and through college. I loved them so much, and although my adolescent nature probably made it seem otherwise, I truly did. The last time I saw my stepmom, stepbrother, and stepsister was when I was 23 years old. Matt and I were telling them about our wedding. We were sitting in the living room and talking about all the beginning plans of being newly engaged. I wanted all of them to be a part of our day. I had no idea I would never see them again. I don't really know how much time passed. It was summer or spring, a few weeks after we sat on that couch with them, and I received an email from my dad saying that they were divorcing. I didn't really know why, and its all a blur truly, but I never saw them again. I can't imagine the hurt that they all went through. My stepsister, ten years younger than me, also never seeing me again? A family of 12 years just vanishing? I wanted to just reach out and hug her and say how much I love her, you know? But I couldn't, and I still haven't, and those are the moments that bring true sadness up from my soul to the water wells of my eyes. Or to tell my stepmom (which has got to be the hardest role in all of it - being the stepmother of a teenage girl), how beautifully and respectfully she took on her relationship with me But I never got to say those things, and I never really knew the reasons because I never had any in person conversation with anyone about what had happened. I never said goodbye or see you later to the family that I knew to be mine. It was like I was supposed to pretend those 12 years of my life didn't exist. Soon after Matt and I got married my dad started to also get distant and now here I am at age 28 and it's been three years since I've heard my dad's voice. And all for reasons I cannot even say. This is where the deep sadness comes in again. I start to think of these four individuals, and my heart feels a void. It feels hurt and confusion. Heavy. I ask, why did this happen? I miss them, and get caught in moments where I'm cleaning out old boxes and seeing photographs from our trip up the coast to Pismo, burying each other in the sand, or the entire childhood memories with my dad and the daily reminders that we have so much in common- our love for art, and thrifting, and hats. Or I'll want to just call him and tell him about that thing, or ask him about that memory - but I can't. And I never truly know the answer, except for the truth that we live in a broken world with hurt and sadness, and that things like this happen, and that this is why we have a Savior. 

Something life has taught me is that holding on hurts one person more than anyone else. Yourself. So like Shauna wrote in that chapter in Bittersweet, I want to leave behind these things that still make me deeply sad that I have had the hardest time forgetting. I want to leave behind the question "why?" and the ache from not having answers. I want to hold on to the good out of those years and on to the hope that God is in control and that he has a plan so much bigger than mine. That all of this, in all of this muck, there is light. I know that I've forgiven - myself, my dad. Yet the sensitive human that I am holds on to pieces of the past. It's like if I let them go I will forget entirely those people that used to be in my life - the people that I still love. But I won't. God won't let that happen. 

If you're sitting there with your heart beating "me too, me too," I hope that we can both take the leap to let it go. Whatever it is for you, and this for me: Let's find a place to leave it, and not let it linger anymore. Maybe in a prairie, maybe up high on a hill, or maybe just right there at your computer or in a journal. Let's leave it. Because I don't want life to have too many moments of deep sadness from the past, when there is so much joy in the present to be had, you know?