Renewed to Risk | Love Yourself Linkup

After writing about risks and relationships this past weekend, my heart was opened to something else entirely. Countless times, I have been stunted in my ability to take risks in relationships, both shiny new relationships and rusty worn in loved relationships, because I didn't love myself fully. And when I lack love for myself not only are risks not taken: relationships are held back, insecurities bulldoze anything in their path, and experiences are completely missed. Can you relate?

I could write about a handful of times that loving myself (a lack thereofe) has held a relationship back or made me miss out on community and growth. But I'm not. I am going to write about just one relationship. Here comes the vulnerability part. I have missed taking the most risks, lately, in the one relationship that I had to take the biggest risk to get from the very start. My relationship with Matt. The biggest risk I took was when I met Matt and opened my heart to him. After scars and hurt and shame from a pretty broken relationship before that, opening my heart was something that took time. It was a long road coming, falling for him: first meeting at a social, a year of me completely oblivious, Matt basically giving up on ever dating me, feelings blooming and changing, and the leap of faith to be honest and true about the relationship that was being cultivated. I took the biggest risk of my life when walking on the Cal Poly campus one night, I decided to tell him that I liked him. And his response, "I have liked you since I met you." Then the second biggest risk of my life was when I told him about the hurt from my past and the decisions I regret. And his response, "You are still the same person, and I still choose you."

And there have been countless leaps of faith with the man I love since our days of dating, to being engaged, to saying "I do", to figuring out life just us. But in the same light, there have been countless times where I didn't risk stepping out of my comfort zone, even with the person I am the closest with over everyone else, because I didn't love myself fully. I let my insecurities about my body, my intellect, my goals, or my heart win, in so many instances, that I missed out on a lot of the little things in our marriage. Like times I could have laughed out loud and rolled something off my back, risking loosing my stubbornness for just one moment, rather than getting angry or cold hearted. Or times I could have been honest and vulnerable about my lack of love for my body, risking the chance to be loved in return, rather than being hesitant in a moment of intimacy. Or times I could have chosen to extend myself grace to better love my husband, rather than feel embarrassed. These are the little risks I have missed out on. And in return, I have lost a lot of wonderful moments. And by no means is this the picture of our relationship. Matt is my person, and I am his, forever--and we have joy, and love, and all these life-giving things. But the truth? It hasn't all been sunshine. And an even greater truth? A lot is due in part to my stance on loving myself fully. Me loving me, flaws and all. 

How I love myself -- well -- loving myself completely translates to my ability to fully love Matt. And loving myself is more often than not the sole determining factor of whether I risk something daily in order to grow in our relationship and build up the amazing gift that we have--our marriage. 

Am I making sense? (When you go down the road of vulnerability, sometimes it doesn't write like poetry or a book on its way to publication. Sometimes it looks like words on a Scrabble board just trying to fit together.)

There have been so many moments in our marriage where I have opted out, heart and mind, from taking risks because of the way I felt about myself. Maybe it was my mood. Maybe it was my self-perception. Maybe it was a comment that I internalized to the extreme. Oh how I wish I could go back and love myself more fully in those moments so that I could love Matt more deeply. Because of my lack of love for myself in the past, my relationship was held back, insecurities tried to break us down (and at times did), and experiences were completely missed.

So today, certainly, I am still in the process of learning to love myself fully. Learning how to deal with anxiety for example. And in loving myself fully, learning to love Matt the way I am supposed to -- unconditionally -- and taking risks to grow parts of our relationship that have been stunted in the past by my insecurities and shame. And I can already say, that in this process, my heart is being renewed. Renewed.

And it is a wonderful thing.

Has loving yourself ever held you back from relational risk taking? How did you learn (or are learning) to love yourself and take risks again?

Risks and Relationships

I am not the biggest risk taker. I like comfortable. But I realized something in terms of relationships and taking risks. So many of the risks we take in a "people sense", in the end, bring us the comfort of home. Taking risks can translate to comfort in the end. 

Almost all friendships and relationships start with a risk. A stepping out of that box that we all like to squeeze ourselves and a few other people, places, and things into. Whatever does not fit in that box-- a risk is taken to get it. Think about your friendships and how they first began: the risk you had to take to build trust. If you're dating or married, think about your love story, and the butterflies that lingered: the risk you had to take to fall in love. Weren't there risks involved with both of these? How could there not have been? The phone call to get coffee. The showing up at a gathering where you know absolutely no one. The telling of something deep inside you to another person. The putting your heart on a line. The being vulnerable. The being honest. The being you. 

Life can get comfortable again after college. Comfortable after new friends turn to gold. Comfortable once a budding love story turns to a forever commitment. Adult life can get comfortable. I'm finding, at age 27, as I'm faced with less people risks than I did in the past, that I'm comfortable. And I've realized, that those risks I took as a young adult and teenager, to meet people and fall in love--those risks--well, they have turned into my comforts. Those people I had to step out of the box to meet and to know, they are my home.

Now that we live in Denver, I have to take those risks again. Like any new beginning, taking risks are a part of the package. But like I said, I am not the biggest taker. And camping out on comfortable can be my go to. But comfortable does not build new relationships. Comfortable does not step out of the box. So I've been having a chat with this "comfortable me" and reminding her that taking risks in the end, does bring comfort. I'm reminding her of the risks she took for love, for best friends--for people who mean the world to her. And how taking risks are the foundation of relationships. Taking risks to reach out and meet new faces, putting heart and all that is me on the line, builds true lasting friendships. And in the end, the risks taken to build true lasting friendships are what bring us to a place of feeling the comforts of home.

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