Just Sing

There is a line in the song Just Sing, by Paper Bird, that speak louder than any other words in the song. And each time the lyrics play, my eyes swell and thunk goes my heart. The words go " If your heart is beating, or if your heart is beaten up...just sing." 

The reason my heart goes thunk when I hear Esme sing these words, it that my heart, however passionate, driven, and cared for it really is--it does feel a bit beaten up some days. Or at least, my heart feels more vulnerable to switch from a life giving steady beat to a state that needs rest and mending. This is the symptom of ongoing anxiety.

I am still learning how to mend it. And just when I think I have figured it out, and I let loose my grip on the Lord, carrying the weight of my anxiety by myself, I falter. 

Just this past Saturday, my jubilant beating heart took a falling, and turned into ugly panic. It's been months since I've had a panic attack--yet a few days ago I was reminded of how human I am, and how dependent and in need I am for the unconditional love of a Savior. Because, like I said, I am on the mend, and my heart is vulnerable when it comes to these things. What triggered my panic, and left me with a beaten up heart, is not even important in what I've come to realize. Because the common thread, for me, is when I step in front of God, and think I have it under control without Him (cue: lack of prayer & lack of praise...) Whether I let feelings from my past creep in, lies take over my thoughts, or overwhelming guilt win--one thread remains common: when God is at the center, panic dissipates | when I am at the center, panic escalates. 

So this is where the other part comes in. Just sing, the song goes. To me, in this state of recovery, of mending and healing, of surrendering anxiety, guilt, depression, regret, worry, built up lies and all other things -- singing, or worship, or prayer: that is all I know how to really do, and what I need to do. When left with a broken or beaten up heart, one can always just sing (no matter how sad, off key, or full of sobbing the song may be it may be).

I write these things not to bring pity, or to bring concern, or worry. Because truly, I am happy. I am blessed beyond belief. My heart is beating, and my song is one that more often than not is light and cheery. But some days, I sing because my heart is beaten up. And I sing a different song--one of hope and longing, as to mend, and to rest my weary heart.

The song continues on, "If your heart is beating, or if your heart is beaten up, or if your rolling down a long winding track, and you don't believe in luck--just sing." 

Thunk.

Barbara Bush, John Travolta, Florence Nightingale, and Me.

As it turns out, I have something in common with Barbs, John, and Flo. While sitting in the Tattered Cover the other day, I decided to take the Enneagram personality test. Studying Psychology in school, there is part of me that loves diving into personality tests, both for a greater self awareness, and also to grasp insight to why others are the way they are. After taking the test, my answers placed me as a distinct Number Two. "The Helper" the book tells me, is my personality level (just as Barbs, John, and Flo were all Twos). And before jumping on the wagon fully, I quickly made Matt take the test. I figured that if mine seemed accurate, and his as well (for the most part) in describing those main traits so distinct to each of our cores, then I could read more about our so called Numbers and go from there. And as it turns out, his was pretty spot on as well. So I continued to read...

I still don't like getting completely caught up in a book telling me who I am, but I think there is a lot to say about these personality tests that have been refined over hundreds of years. This is what the Enneagram says about Number Twos, or "The Helpers":

"You want to be appealing, giving, caring and heartfelt. More importantly, you want to be needed, considered important and appreciated for your efforts. You would like others to see you as empathetic, supportive and altruistic. Your idealized image is that you are a loving and helpful person...

You have a warm, sociable and enthusiastic personality... Relationship orientated, you reach out to others and are often the first one to lend a hand. A good listener, you focus on the needs and concerns of others. You usually know what people need and feel, and enjoy taking on the kind of role where you can show your giving and generous nature...

Secretly, you can feel needy and vulnerable feeling that you must earn the right to be loved. Avoiding a deep sense of loneliness, you find ways to connect to and be of service to others. You have an innate sense of what to say or do to make people feel seen and admired...you like to do special things for people and surprise them with unexpected gifts. You take note of others’ desires and try to fulfill them. You take pride in your ability to comfort and support others.

You find it gratifying to be of service and are drawn to people that have power and influence. You enjoy being the power behind the throne and make yourself appealing by being indispensable. Always ready to be helpful, others often depend on you...and value interpersonal relationships above all else. Your extraordinary insight about what people need and your ability to create mutual trust and affinity are rare gifts. You love to be instrumental in helping others achieve their full potential."

Each personality description gets super in depth about all aspects of life. Chapter upon chapter you could read, and analyze, and gain insight. But I am still a bit skeptical. I read the overview, so who knows what more there is that is actually me. Also, this description of a Number Two seems super flattering when I read it, but when I read about my personality type at its lows, what to avoid, and my "weaknesses", ugh-scary! But on the other hand, it's actually a bit strange reading a description that hits the target so closely. Even the weaknesses are pretty true. Reading the descriptions, Matt fell in line also--with a Number 3, "The Achiever." I want to read more about the relationship across personalities, and see what it has to say. I'm a bit wary, though. I want to make sure what I am reading isn't all just fluff but actually true tests that psychologists use, and have deemed appropriate. I know Enneagrams have been used over centuries, but I'm still hesitant; as with anything that I haven't truly looked into deep enough. So I have to ask: what do you think about these personality tests? Have you ever figured out your Enneagram Number? 

The Loveliest Things

Over at The Lipstick Gospel today, I'm sharing about those things in life I find oh so lovely. You can meander over and read what I have to say about these things that are near to my heart. It's important to stop and think about the simple things, the little things, and those which are the loveliest--because, really, is it not those things that we often overlook when being grateful? Read the full post here >>

What about you? What are your Loveliest Things?

Words For Thought, From Francis Chan

I was first introduced to Francis Chan at our home church in California. He was the pastor there, and shortly after Matt and I got plugged in, he moved to San Francisco. As a pastor, he always made the Word so applicable to how life as a Christian should be lived out. I always left feeling challenged to live a bit more uncomfortably in the name of Jesus. Francis brought perspective to who our God really is in a way that helped me grasp greater understanding specifically living in a city--you should listen to his podcasts or check out a book he wrote if you are looking for something new. Something I have been dwelling on lately are words from his book Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God. He writes, 

“Our greatest fear should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter.” 

Pretty spot on, isn't he? So if you, like me, often weigh your failures against your successes, stop and ask yourself -- what are those failures and successes in the context of what really matters? How are you measuring them? I think if we ask ourselves these questions more often, there would be a lot more good in our realtionships and in our communities, a lot less pride in our hearts, and a new perspective on failure and success entirely --don't you?

Hey Dad, It's Your Birthday.

I once heard someone say that the heart of a dad is nature's masterpiece. Perhaps the curiosity and sense of independence they instill in their little one's is a mirror image of what we were created for--a sense of wonder in this world, and the urge to go out and explore it. Today is my dad's birthday. I haven't seen him in quite some time, but as his one and only daughter, and he my dad (no matter the distance), I thought it only fitting to thank him for those things that made me who I am. The parts which are very much him, are very much me too:

The In-Law Relationship | Darling Magazine

Last month I wrote a piece for Darling Magazine online which was all about the in-law relationship, and how to break the stigma that is so often associated with the word. You can read the article in full over at Darling Magazine here and browse through the amazing new sight revamp that was just launched last week in celebration of Darling turning one (also, a really fun photo recap of their anniversary party at Anthropologie! ).

There is this stigma that can too often be placed on the in-law relationship. Our world tells the dating and the newlywed—to beware!—that getting married to the one you love also means a commitment to an entire family photo album’s worth of individuals. It tells those who are married that in-laws are here to stay, so get along, stick that smile on your face, you’re stuck whether you like it or not. So what about this stigma? Yes, in-laws are here to stay, and marriage does mean a commitment to your spouse’s family—but to everything else this stigma drags in, I think our world is wrong. Why do we have to beware? Why do we have to choose wisely on the premise of in-laws? Why is it a negative thing that they are here to stay, and what if I want that? Can we not go into our in-law relationships with an unbiased outlook and an open heart, with grace and without preconceived notions? Clearly, the stigma and attitude surrounding the in-law relationship is flawed. It causes walls to build up before we even allow ourselves to be known, our in-laws to be understood, and a relationship to bud—or even flourish.

09.11.01

Today is a somber day in our country as we remember the lives that were taken in 2001. May we stop to think about them and be compelled to live our own lives as if there is no tomorrow--thankful for each breath, each heart beat, each opportunity we are given in this country we live. 

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"When I look out the window, I exhale a prayer of thanks for the color green, for my children's safety, for the simple acts of faith like planting a garden that helped see us through another spring, another summer. And I inhale some kind of promise to protect my kids' hopes and good intentions we began with in this country. Freedom of speech, the protection of diversity -- these are the most important ingredients of American civil life and my own survival. If I ever took them for granted, I don't know." -Barbara Kingsolver

photo via Pinterest

Our Perception in Life's Valleys

Hardships are inevitable. The challenges that life conjures up seem to always find us, at some point, whether faced head on or dealt with when finally catching up to those who try to run. No one is the exception. In a fallen, broken world, sadness and trials settle in as what we have to deal with. But even though hardship comes, what continues to stand out, while challenges make their way barreling through at times, is our perceptions of them. As I myself have no immunity to those things that make me ask "Why, Lord?" what I yearn to grow in and seek greater footing is in the perception I have of the trials I face. Can you relate?

Summer reading has brought me to multiple stops where I just sit and think. One of these moments opened my heart to the perspectives that we build while in life's valleys. In Laura Hillenbrand's book Unbroken, there is a scene where one's perception of hardship becomes the life or death determiner (and rather, this theme holds true throughout the novel depicting Louie Zamperini's life). Louie and two other men find themselves in a dire situation, floating on a makeshift raft, clinging to life day by day, with their unknown fate literally at bay in the middle of the Pacific Ocean:

"Though all three men face the same hardship, their differing perceptions of it appeared to be shaping their fates. Louie and Phil's hope displaced their fear and inspired them to work toward their survival, and each success renewed their physical and emotional vigor. Mac's resignation seemed to paralyze him, and the less he participated in their efforts to survive, the more he slipped. Though he did the least, as the days passed, it was he who faded the most. Louie and Phil's optimism, and Mac's hopelessness, were becoming self-fulfilling" (148).

Perception of hardship brings either renewal and vigor or a slipping and fading away. For Louie and Phil, it was optimism and creating something worth living for, amidst the most unknown and harshest trial of survival. They relied on each other, and for Phil his faith, to shift the minds' focus and hold on tight to a perception that they would defeat the trial they faced.

"The conversations were healing, pulling them out of their suffering and setting the future before them as a concrete thing. As they imagined themselves back in the world again, they willed a happy ending onto their ordeal and made it their expectation. With these talks, they created something to live for" (146).

If currently faced with a hardship, how are you going to shift your perspective to one with something worth living for? 

If you're a friend of someone dealing with life's grievances, how can you find yourself being that individual to help your friend build a renewed perception?

Wedding Week

It has been a hustle and bustle of wedding prepping, family gathering, and celebrating. Matt's sister Morgan married our new brother-in-law Josh this last night. It. was. a. blast. I cannot wait to share some of the details--like the florals that I got be a part of, as well as the table decor. Here are a few little glimpses of Morgan and Josh's amazing day. I still plan to share some of my blogging favorites this week, so stay tuned, that'll be happening as soon as I have some downtime ;)

What My Sister-In-Law Has Taught Me About Beauty

She said something striking, as we sat in our slumber party form, girl talk in the air and opened lingerie boxes scattered about, "I decided a long time ago that I wasn't going to change my body. He knows  me and what I look like, why would I change who I am just for my wedding day?" My sister-in-law, three weeks away from saying "I do" to her best friend, spoke it loud and clear, right there at her Bachelorette party: Why would anyone change who they are, wedding day or whatever the occasion, just to appease the crowd? What's even the point? And why do we, as women, and maybe especially more so as bride's to be, try to change ourselves?

Spinning and Free | Love Yourself LinkUp

I just ate three cookies--in a row. I have no time to write. I'm behind on my work. Going to the gym is nonexistent and out of the question. I've slacked on my quiet time. My closet is begging to be cleaned. The food in my fridge is expired. And I seriously have swiffered my house every day yet dog hair is still everywhere.  Loving myself in this state, well, let's just say it isn't easy! And normally, loving myself even a little in a place like this would be impossible. But I honestly think that writing about loving myself, working through loving myself, and focusing on being vulnerable and honest has truly changed my heart. Because, you guys, I'm not having anxiety today. I'm not freaking out. I haven't had a panic attack, even now, when I feel like my world is spinning. So, although I don't have time to write a long one today, I just wanted to say thank you to the woman who have been writing and reading with the linkup each week. Because its truly healing. And me, today, in my spinning world, anxiety free and just a little crazy--but good crazy--well that is something to shout out loud about!

watercolor via  Elizabeth Mayville

I'm Telling You About It

Sometimes I wish that blogging could be more tangible. That you could meet the people I meet, and know the people I know. And that I could meet you, if I haven't already. Or that we could talk over coffee on these linkup days, and open up about what it truly means to love oneself, choose true beauty, in an even more vulnerable and intimate setting. Sometimes, writing in such an open and uncovered way is a heavier weight to lift than just talking one on one, in confidence, in the safety of a coffee shop. 

While in California this past weekend, I met up at the beach with my friend Kara. When we were talking about writing and blogging, she asked me "Is it hard to be that open and vulnerable?" And I think in the moment my pride got to me, and I told her that, "No, it isn't as difficult as I thought it would be." If I could go back, and rephrase, I know I would add something. Something big that I missed. That, yes, it is one of the hardest things to do. In fact, I feel like I don't even get to the most covered parts of my heart and share them. That I still save those covered matters for the safety of a coffee shop, the safety of one person listening, and the safety of words being spoken rather than typed and frozen on a screen for all to see. I would actually tell Kara, that, "Yes, it is hard to be vulnerable. But it is worth it."

Time Away

Can I be honest? I am feeling a little bit disconnected from my Denver life. Right when I get back in the swing, its time to travel again - which has been amazing - but at the same time, I feel my home life has been neglected a bit. Because of that, I've decided I'm going to unplug. A few days to soak in these last moments of summer are much needed. With no distractions and time to center myself and have a little quality one on one with this city, with these little moments, and with my family, the people at work, and everything else that I feel like I've been too busy for lately. My first priority is to not be too busy for the simple things, because that is what life is made up of--and I feel like I have been. Can you relate? My weekend in California opened my eyes to this, as I probably spent more time laughing and enjoying the little moments these past few days unplugged than I have in a while. And its been good to feel that. I want that feeling that found me in California this past weekend to meet me right here in Denver.

I've been writing for the Love Yourself Linkup each Tuesday, and I think this is the way I need to love myself right now: by stepping away and re-shifting my focus. My cousin's baby is due any day. We have friends who just moved here. A cross country road trip is just around the corner. I have design endeavors I want to explore. On top of so many other things that I don't want to miss. So, friends, I'll be back in a bit. Maybe a day or two, maybe a week. See you soon!

(& in the meantime, check out some other bloggers listed in the right column under "Reading List" or the amazing women who link up with the Love Yourself and Choose Beauty Linkup each week).

Why so serious?

 Raise your hand if you can say this is true about you: I take myself too seriously. 

Perhaps my hand is the only one raised, but I completely fall guilty of taking myself way too seriously at times. And while being serious and being my harshest critic can be helpful in areas like hard-work, focus, and drive, it can also monumentally hurt that area of true beauty that comes out in the form of laughter, being goofy, and extending myself grace. More than anything, being married to a someone who once proclaimed as a child that he wanted to be a comedian, has clearly pointed at the fact that I do not laugh at myself enough. That I can take life too seriously. Why is this? While the pensive, reflective, perfectionist that I am is thankful for this trait in part, there has always been a side of me that wants to nurture the silly a bit more, and choose to take myself less seriously--especially in adulthood. I think it goes hand in hand with intentionally choosing beauty--intentionally choosing to let go of the "put together" facade and just bask in being ridiculous when ridiculous calls. I know it may sound strange, but I think "gracefully goofy" is something so charming. You goofballs out there, you not taking yourself so seriously--you are gorgeous in doing so (and I admire you)! I know I need to allow that beautifully silly part of me out more than I do. I feel most beautiful when I can laugh at myself and let that serious part go. What about you, will you laugh at yourself a little more this week?

Think about such things | Love Yourself Linkup

Sometimes, anxiety is a full on battle of the mind. I first wrote about my untold story, my battle with anxiety, here. In the process of recovering from and overcoming anxiety, if thoughts are not corralled or paid attention to, the flick of a switch can bring on the tightening of the chest and panic that turns into an attack. The mind defaults to worry, if not intentionally lead to focus on the opposite: on things that are good and true. Anxiety is a battle of the mind, and I mean literally.

Part of my personality is that I think best when I am alone. While I enjoy being with others, I recharge my energy best and feel most myself when I have significant alone time each day to focus and get "in the zone"--whether while doing concrete productive tasks like running, swimming, blogging, writing, reading, gardening--this is simply how I work. Because I am wired this way, and because I think best and process fully when just me, in my alone time it is vital that I set aside time to dwell on what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable. When I do dwell on these things in my alone time, through time with God, reflection, engaging in God's word, prayer, or just thinking about those things while I run, swim, garden, etc, I am better. Anxiety almost diminishes. When I have alone time to dwell on those things, I am well prepared to face those moments when anxiety likes to build up. I am prepared for battle. On the opposite end, when alone time is gone, and time to think about these things is stripped away, then my mind and heart are not equipped to fight.

Phenomenally | Choose Beauty

These words by Maya Angelou resound true beauty. They resound confidence. They are words spoken from a woman who chose to love herself, know herself, and celebrate it. I am reminded today of those things that make me a woman. A woman, not just familiar or ordinary, but a woman, phenomenally so.

Confidence is the sexiest thing, Etc. | Love Yourself Link Up

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We've read these words before: Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can wear. Quotes like this one are pinned all over Pinterest, strung as pretty font across beauty blogs, and written on pink sticky notes near mirrors in teenage girls' bedrooms. But in the eyes of our culture, the line between confidence and external beauty is significantly blurred. The separation of which comes first is confused, especially in a dialogue where magazine covers and media try to convince us to believe that if we-just-wear-this or look-just-like-that or loose-ten-pounds then confidence is guaranteed. If confidence is truly the sexiest things a woman can wear, why do external adornments have such a grip on us?

At the Intersection

We were standing at the corner of the intersection, me balancing on my seven speed townie while he stood adjusting his baseball cap and gripping the handle bar of his road bike. The sun glistened, my eyes slivers as they squinted to see if the signal was telling us to cross. I reached up and touched my still damp hair from an afternoon swim, which was twisted up into an uneven top knot. I realized I must look a bit disheveled, knowing I hadn't ever looked in the mirror that day to conceal blemishes or add a hint of blush. Glancing over, he was still there, adjusting his hat and bike wheels slightly rolling. Even his sunglasses couldn't hide the brightness of the sun, and I could see my reflection staring back at me as soon as he looked my way.

Me: "I'm sorry I look a mess"

Him: "What do you mean?"

Me: "I haven't put any make-up on and haven't touched my hair since my swim. I'm sure I look less than pretty."

Him: "I didn't even notice you had no make-up on. I never really notice."

Me: "What..."

Him: "You are pretty with or without. You're the same."

Up until that moment at the intersection, bikes and a picnic dinner were our sole mission. Whizzing through neighborhoods, sun beaming down, lies about my appearance hadn't been let in. I had forgotten about my disheveled top knot, lack of beauty products, and uncoordinated outfit. And it felt good. In those moments leading up to my apology at the intersection, adventure was winning, true beauty had the upper hand, and lies were not seeping in. But the moment I saw my reflection, the moment I was reminded that I may not look so put together, adventure stopped winning and a lie got the best of me. A lie that caused a gut reaction to apologize to my husband--apologize for not looking pretty because I hadn't washed my face or put on make-up. A lie that told me, because I didn't hide a blemish or rouge my cheeks, that I was a mess.

And what a lie this lie was. 

Fleeting vs. Abiding | Love Yourself Linkup

If every person who ever thought they needed to change something to be prettier, felt one hundred percent loved--all of the time--would they in fact still feel the need to change? When I came across these words by Kate Wicker, from Weightless: Making Peace with Your Body, I had this moment where if you were there, you may have seen a lightbulb hovering over my head. And this strand of words, it continues to get me thinking: How can we love ourselves and others more fully, so as not to feel the need to change ourselves to be prettier, to change ourselves to the norm of our culture, to change ourselves because it makes us waiver less in our ability to fit in. If wanting to feel loved is the root of self-worth, body image, and our drive to change, then let's consider how it is we need to better feel loved and better love another. 

I am struck with the fact that I need to love others better, while facing straight on my need to love myself deeper, too. I've rolled around with how loving others goes hand in hand with loving yourself, over and over, this past month since writing about it. Truth, it doesn't get any simpler: the root of our desire to change is a desire to be loved. So do we really want to bear the mark, and the trial to reach unattainable standards, of physical beauty--wasting life's moments for something ever fleeting? Or do we want to bear the internal mark of learning to love others and ourselves more purely--relying on each other, and God, to purposefully teach us, investing life's moments on something abiding?

Renewed to Risk | Love Yourself Linkup

After writing about risks and relationships this past weekend, my heart was opened to something else entirely. Countless times, I have been stunted in my ability to take risks in relationships, both shiny new relationships and rusty worn in loved relationships, because I didn't love myself fully. And when I lack love for myself not only are risks not taken: relationships are held back, insecurities bulldoze anything in their path, and experiences are completely missed. Can you relate?

I could write about a handful of times that loving myself (a lack thereofe) has held a relationship back or made me miss out on community and growth. But I'm not. I am going to write about just one relationship. Here comes the vulnerability part. I have missed taking the most risks, lately, in the one relationship that I had to take the biggest risk to get from the very start. My relationship with Matt. The biggest risk I took was when I met Matt and opened my heart to him. After scars and hurt and shame from a pretty broken relationship before that, opening my heart was something that took time. It was a long road coming, falling for him: first meeting at a social, a year of me completely oblivious, Matt basically giving up on ever dating me, feelings blooming and changing, and the leap of faith to be honest and true about the relationship that was being cultivated. I took the biggest risk of my life when walking on the Cal Poly campus one night, I decided to tell him that I liked him. And his response, "I have liked you since I met you." Then the second biggest risk of my life was when I told him about the hurt from my past and the decisions I regret. And his response, "You are still the same person, and I still choose you."

And there have been countless leaps of faith with the man I love since our days of dating, to being engaged, to saying "I do", to figuring out life just us. But in the same light, there have been countless times where I didn't risk stepping out of my comfort zone, even with the person I am the closest with over everyone else, because I didn't love myself fully. I let my insecurities about my body, my intellect, my goals, or my heart win, in so many instances, that I missed out on a lot of the little things in our marriage. Like times I could have laughed out loud and rolled something off my back, risking loosing my stubbornness for just one moment, rather than getting angry or cold hearted. Or times I could have been honest and vulnerable about my lack of love for my body, risking the chance to be loved in return, rather than being hesitant in a moment of intimacy. Or times I could have chosen to extend myself grace to better love my husband, rather than feel embarrassed. These are the little risks I have missed out on. And in return, I have lost a lot of wonderful moments. And by no means is this the picture of our relationship. Matt is my person, and I am his, forever--and we have joy, and love, and all these life-giving things. But the truth? It hasn't all been sunshine. And an even greater truth? A lot is due in part to my stance on loving myself fully. Me loving me, flaws and all. 

How I love myself -- well -- loving myself completely translates to my ability to fully love Matt. And loving myself is more often than not the sole determining factor of whether I risk something daily in order to grow in our relationship and build up the amazing gift that we have--our marriage. 

Am I making sense? (When you go down the road of vulnerability, sometimes it doesn't write like poetry or a book on its way to publication. Sometimes it looks like words on a Scrabble board just trying to fit together.)

There have been so many moments in our marriage where I have opted out, heart and mind, from taking risks because of the way I felt about myself. Maybe it was my mood. Maybe it was my self-perception. Maybe it was a comment that I internalized to the extreme. Oh how I wish I could go back and love myself more fully in those moments so that I could love Matt more deeply. Because of my lack of love for myself in the past, my relationship was held back, insecurities tried to break us down (and at times did), and experiences were completely missed.

So today, certainly, I am still in the process of learning to love myself fully. Learning how to deal with anxiety for example. And in loving myself fully, learning to love Matt the way I am supposed to -- unconditionally -- and taking risks to grow parts of our relationship that have been stunted in the past by my insecurities and shame. And I can already say, that in this process, my heart is being renewed. Renewed.

And it is a wonderful thing.

Has loving yourself ever held you back from relational risk taking? How did you learn (or are learning) to love yourself and take risks again?