Fleeting vs. Abiding | Love Yourself Linkup

If every person who ever thought they needed to change something to be prettier, felt one hundred percent loved--all of the time--would they in fact still feel the need to change? When I came across these words by Kate Wicker, from Weightless: Making Peace with Your Body, I had this moment where if you were there, you may have seen a lightbulb hovering over my head. And this strand of words, it continues to get me thinking: How can we love ourselves and others more fully, so as not to feel the need to change ourselves to be prettier, to change ourselves to the norm of our culture, to change ourselves because it makes us waiver less in our ability to fit in. If wanting to feel loved is the root of self-worth, body image, and our drive to change, then let's consider how it is we need to better feel loved and better love another. 

I am struck with the fact that I need to love others better, while facing straight on my need to love myself deeper, too. I've rolled around with how loving others goes hand in hand with loving yourself, over and over, this past month since writing about it. Truth, it doesn't get any simpler: the root of our desire to change is a desire to be loved. So do we really want to bear the mark, and the trial to reach unattainable standards, of physical beauty--wasting life's moments for something ever fleeting? Or do we want to bear the internal mark of learning to love others and ourselves more purely--relying on each other, and God, to purposefully teach us, investing life's moments on something abiding?

Renewed to Risk | Love Yourself Linkup

After writing about risks and relationships this past weekend, my heart was opened to something else entirely. Countless times, I have been stunted in my ability to take risks in relationships, both shiny new relationships and rusty worn in loved relationships, because I didn't love myself fully. And when I lack love for myself not only are risks not taken: relationships are held back, insecurities bulldoze anything in their path, and experiences are completely missed. Can you relate?

I could write about a handful of times that loving myself (a lack thereofe) has held a relationship back or made me miss out on community and growth. But I'm not. I am going to write about just one relationship. Here comes the vulnerability part. I have missed taking the most risks, lately, in the one relationship that I had to take the biggest risk to get from the very start. My relationship with Matt. The biggest risk I took was when I met Matt and opened my heart to him. After scars and hurt and shame from a pretty broken relationship before that, opening my heart was something that took time. It was a long road coming, falling for him: first meeting at a social, a year of me completely oblivious, Matt basically giving up on ever dating me, feelings blooming and changing, and the leap of faith to be honest and true about the relationship that was being cultivated. I took the biggest risk of my life when walking on the Cal Poly campus one night, I decided to tell him that I liked him. And his response, "I have liked you since I met you." Then the second biggest risk of my life was when I told him about the hurt from my past and the decisions I regret. And his response, "You are still the same person, and I still choose you."

And there have been countless leaps of faith with the man I love since our days of dating, to being engaged, to saying "I do", to figuring out life just us. But in the same light, there have been countless times where I didn't risk stepping out of my comfort zone, even with the person I am the closest with over everyone else, because I didn't love myself fully. I let my insecurities about my body, my intellect, my goals, or my heart win, in so many instances, that I missed out on a lot of the little things in our marriage. Like times I could have laughed out loud and rolled something off my back, risking loosing my stubbornness for just one moment, rather than getting angry or cold hearted. Or times I could have been honest and vulnerable about my lack of love for my body, risking the chance to be loved in return, rather than being hesitant in a moment of intimacy. Or times I could have chosen to extend myself grace to better love my husband, rather than feel embarrassed. These are the little risks I have missed out on. And in return, I have lost a lot of wonderful moments. And by no means is this the picture of our relationship. Matt is my person, and I am his, forever--and we have joy, and love, and all these life-giving things. But the truth? It hasn't all been sunshine. And an even greater truth? A lot is due in part to my stance on loving myself fully. Me loving me, flaws and all. 

How I love myself -- well -- loving myself completely translates to my ability to fully love Matt. And loving myself is more often than not the sole determining factor of whether I risk something daily in order to grow in our relationship and build up the amazing gift that we have--our marriage. 

Am I making sense? (When you go down the road of vulnerability, sometimes it doesn't write like poetry or a book on its way to publication. Sometimes it looks like words on a Scrabble board just trying to fit together.)

There have been so many moments in our marriage where I have opted out, heart and mind, from taking risks because of the way I felt about myself. Maybe it was my mood. Maybe it was my self-perception. Maybe it was a comment that I internalized to the extreme. Oh how I wish I could go back and love myself more fully in those moments so that I could love Matt more deeply. Because of my lack of love for myself in the past, my relationship was held back, insecurities tried to break us down (and at times did), and experiences were completely missed.

So today, certainly, I am still in the process of learning to love myself fully. Learning how to deal with anxiety for example. And in loving myself fully, learning to love Matt the way I am supposed to -- unconditionally -- and taking risks to grow parts of our relationship that have been stunted in the past by my insecurities and shame. And I can already say, that in this process, my heart is being renewed. Renewed.

And it is a wonderful thing.

Has loving yourself ever held you back from relational risk taking? How did you learn (or are learning) to love yourself and take risks again?

Loving Inward & Loving Outward | Love Yourself Linkup

Something hitting me straight on as I go through the process of writing for the Love Yourself Linkup each week, is something so simple: Loving yourself goes hand in hand with loving others. 

It's one of those cyclical thoughts, when I try and break it down in my mind. Which comes first? Is it with loving yourself truer and more openly that you are better able to love others? Or is is the overflow from loving others, engaged in community and relationships, that builds up esteem and your ability to love yourself deeper? And when I think of my own life--the people in it, my perceptions of myself, what community and loving others look like at each point in my 27 years--I see a common thread. The times that I have loved myself the most, and extended continual grace and kindness to myself--those times I was engaged in a community where I was very much loving others and giving a portion of myself daily.

And it couldn't be truer in my life. The times that my anxiety builds, or I criticize myself, or I doubt my self-worth and focus on external beauty comparing and breaking myself down--those times, I am most likely lacking community. Those times, I am most likely lacking the daily necessity of loving others in a way where I give a portion of myself. 

A piece of my heart has been transformed this week. I've been serving a few of Denver's homeless woman, loving them, listening to them, and making them feel worth it. And in giving a portion of myself, and stretching my comforts, in just this simple way, that piece of my heart that often forgets how to love myself, remembers. It remembers how to love myself because I'm loving others. At the same time, my ability to serve and the risk that I've taken in giving up a part of my comfortable week to serve others, is a direct outcome of this process of learning to love myself better. Loving myself has enabled me to better love others, leaving judgements and fear to the wayside.

I am reminded again that loving inward goes hand in hand with loving outward. So this is my challenge this week. Love others, so you can better love yourself. If you are struggling to love yourself, spend time in community, give a portion of yourself to someone in need of service, spend time over coffee with your friend, love in an unexpected way. Love yourself, so you can better love others. If you are struggling to love others because you are at a point where you are in recovery, or you just can't fully give yourself to service and loving others like you'd hope, work on loving yourself more honestly--and don't give up. Spend time reflecting on what goodness in you can better relationships and community. If you pray, pray often. If you journal, journal honestly. Be encouraged that loving others and loving yourself are beautifully intertwined.

Photo taken in  San Luis Obispo during a time in my life when loving others and loving myself truly relied on each other.

How have you seen the inner workings of loving yourself and loving others pairing beautifully in your life?