I'm Telling You About It

Sometimes I wish that blogging could be more tangible. That you could meet the people I meet, and know the people I know. And that I could meet you, if I haven't already. Or that we could talk over coffee on these linkup days, and open up about what it truly means to love oneself, choose true beauty, in an even more vulnerable and intimate setting. Sometimes, writing in such an open and uncovered way is a heavier weight to lift than just talking one on one, in confidence, in the safety of a coffee shop. 

While in California this past weekend, I met up at the beach with my friend Kara. When we were talking about writing and blogging, she asked me "Is it hard to be that open and vulnerable?" And I think in the moment my pride got to me, and I told her that, "No, it isn't as difficult as I thought it would be." If I could go back, and rephrase, I know I would add something. Something big that I missed. That, yes, it is one of the hardest things to do. In fact, I feel like I don't even get to the most covered parts of my heart and share them. That I still save those covered matters for the safety of a coffee shop, the safety of one person listening, and the safety of words being spoken rather than typed and frozen on a screen for all to see. I would actually tell Kara, that, "Yes, it is hard to be vulnerable. But it is worth it."

So here I go. I'm going to continue to share a part of my heart that has been covered. Because I am realizing the more honest I am, the more open about my heart's condition, that the more encouraged you are, the more I see my need for my God, and the closer it feels to actually sitting there, across from you, in a coffee shop, pouring our hearts out. 

Four years ago, it became official. I was no longer single. And I was no longer and only child. I became a wife and a sibling all at once. I became a daughter to two new parents. My family grew. And in turn, the Tiens, they had me and I them--for the rest of our lives. And as you can imagine, this changed my world. I knew how to be a daughter. But now I had a sister, a brother, and a whole new dynamic to become a part of--officially as Matt's wife. This was all new to me. And, a once very confident and sure of herself girl wavered. She felt as if she did not know herself in the new dynamic. And struggled with knowing herself in the context of being a wife, a sister, and a daughter. Her insecurities only fed her inability to openly pursue these new relationships to the fullest, and became fuel to the fire of comparison and feeling inept. This was also during a time where her anxiety was at its height, and at a time where her own father was not a part of her life. So this girl, new wife, new sister, new daughter--me four years ago--struggled. Immensely. Doubting. Wavering. Struggling. And no one, honestly, knew about it...(and this is where the to be continued might be placed).

So I'm telling you about it--or going to--because I wish I would have then. And I want to share about times in my life, like the one above, and the other covered parts, that are hard to write about because words sometimes can't describe. And I want to write about the small triumphs with hopes to encourage, specifically in the context of relationships. So I'm going to write, if only in snippets as the words come. Because, to me, being open and honest is a way to choose beauty--despite what the world sometimes tells us. Even in the mess, even in the quiet, even while still learning, when we are vulnerable to share there will always be someone who sees beauty in it--and to me, that's worth it.

Each Thursday  Thoughts by Natalie hosts the Choose Beauty Linkup,  focusing on what real beauty is, what makes us feel beautiful, how we pursue lasting beauty for our lives, the roots behind our body image issues, et. Through our posts, we'll share thoughts, experiences, inspirations, challenges and more with the hope of changing the voice about beauty that we're hearing in our culture today. Read more about the series here, and join in on the conversation by hitting "click here to enter" below.